Don’t let your domain be kidnapped. Quick, go see if it already has been (thekidnappingcampaign.com), and if not, make sure to register the reverse of your name!

I bet the Ewoks are pissed right now for having lost that big real estate contract. But hey, if someone blows it up, I bet the conversation probably would go something like this:

But does it have to be so? Is there perhaps an alternate path your life can take? More importantly, can you take that path while still collecting your paycheck?

The answer is yes. The answer… is ninja.

“Oh, but not me,” you say. “I could never… could I?” Yes, my timid friend, your time has come. Your Instant Office Ninja Kit is here. The kit consists of the most awesome ninja accessories and tools culled from Think Geek’s stock; all it requires of you is a few clicks and some waiting.

Real Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book

193 pages of pure genius. For example: “Ninjas are mammals. Ninjas fight ALL the time.” Genius. Read it cover to cover, then stand on your head and read it back to front. Then study all the diagrams in detail, practicing as necessary. Then use it to dispatch your first victim. Feels good, doesn’t it.

Killer Coding Ninja Monkeys shirt

You know the moves, but now you have to look the part. And nothing says “ninja” like a shirt that, er… says “ninja”. Really. It’s in fine print, right there at the bottom. Next to “monkeys”, which is just a bonus, really. It satisfies all the ninja requirements. Black? Check. Comfortable? Check. Silent? Check. Badass? Check.

Ninja Attack

The only weapon the office ninja really needs. Let pirates have their cannons, their cutlasses, their parrots. The ninja has… tiny ninjas. Four of them, ready to be fired at the slightest provocation. Ready to fight. Ready to fly!

NINJA electronics duster

If there’s one thing the true ninja knows, it’s how to dispose of the bodies clean up. The office ninja is no different, which is why you need this little can of whoop ass compressed air. Besides, nothing says “instant death!” like a can marked NINJA standing at the ready. Watching. Waiting.

As you will be. But not for long.

Have patience, your ninja kit will arrive soon. And then you. May. FIGHT.

Apparently, others think they can hold your wank.

If they actually believed their own commercials, they wouldn’t put out things like this:

Related Links:

• ViaTalk - Broadband Phone Service
• Skype
• Complimentary Ring Tones

Round 1: Hairpiece

This photo certainly does give the impression of a dead muskrat perched on The Donald’s scalp. Note the way that it all seems the same color, but that color just doesn’t look right next to the few bits of hair that actually look attached to his head.

Click through to take a closer look. It’s tough to be convinced from this shot alone, though. It’s not like the thing’s flying off as he gets out of the limo.

Round 2: Combover

Now this photo tells a story. It’s the story of a few lonely hairs, the last of their kind, pressed into service over an entire head. The story of the long journey each hair takes, starting at the back and travelling all the way to the front, dangling over steely eyes and a mouth that shouts, “YOU’RE FIRED!”

Click on it for the full effect. Pay close attention to the spaces between the strands, those barren areas devoid of life and color. More importantly, would anyone actually make a toupee that looks so fantastically unreal? I think not.

The Winner: Combover

There’s really no contest. As much as we’d like to blame The Donald’s awesome ‘do on the limits of synthetic fibers, it’s obvious that he really is growing it himself. In tiny patches. And spreading it thin.

Why No One Cares

In our research, we discovered an interesting effect. It explains a lot about why no one ever seemed to notice or comment on Mr. Trump’s very special haircut. Take a close look at Exhibit C.

If you’ve even continued reading, then I’ll ask you: was there a man in that photo? Did he look a bit like Donald Trump? Did you spend any time looking at his hair? Yeah, exactly. Case closed.

The Payoff

• Have hair like The Donald
• Smell like The Donald
• Make deals like The Donald

“Man! I have all these toolbars on my browser! I need more though. I just can’t get enough. In fact, rather than having all these ones that people make for me, I’d rather have my own.

Well, now you can! No really. I did. And if I can do it, any lame-ass can do it. Feel free to download the popularize.net toolbar or even better, go and make your own toolbar.

In the age of “even-you-can-be-Time Magazine’s Person Of The Year-you-putz”, creating toolbars has become a notch in the do-it-yourself belt. Now is the time to go crazy building toolbars (how many can you have that all search google for you?).

All I need now is one that makes me waffles and coffee in the morning. Oh wait, that’s right. I have a maid for that. *snap snap* Hop to it Maria! Coffee and toolbars! NOW!

Well, not if you’re a PC geek. But, if you’re a Mac geek, you may have. And if you don’t already have the Democracy Player, you may want to check this puppy out!

It’s called TVShows (how creative). The thing is, it’s just a torrent downloader that already knows which episodes you’ve already downloaded. It also allows you to specify the quality of download (high, normal, low).

Check it out, if you’re not too busy paying your cable and DVR/Tivo bills.